We Tried It: The Bartesian Cocktail Machine
Why head out to a crowded bar or nightclub when you can have ALL the drinks on hand at home?!
As a kid who grew up with The Jetsons, I'm no stranger to the desire to kick back and press a button for snacks. I mean, wasn't the promise of a new century supposed to bring about moving sidewalks (sorry, the ones at the airport don't cut it), friendly robots (Alexa's no Rosie), and push-button meals?
Though my dreams of a cheesy bowl of baked ziti showing up from behind a portal in my living room haven't been realized, the next best thing is here: the Bartesian cocktail machine. Kind of like a K-Cup machine for cocktails this contraption will deliver a perfectly mixed tipple at the touch of a button. Invented by a former bartender with fans such as Aston Kutscher and Mila Kunis (Kunis even sits on the company's board!), this thing is chic.
Looking like a futuristic chemistry set, the Bartesian cocktail machine contains 4 glass vessels holding your choice of whiskey, vodka, tequila, and a spot to switch between gin and rum. The cocktail list is impressive at more than 40 – you can even get a fancy menu book to peruse all the offerings. Once you've picked your poison, you insert the cocktail pod containing real juices, bitters, and extracts into the machine (just like you're used to with the coffee machines), and put your ice-filled glass or shaker underneath. A tiny touch screen asks you to choose your strength from mocktail, light, regular and strong; after a quick tap, the barcode atop the capsule tells the machine which liquor bottle to pull from, and – voila! – your little robot bartender mixes your drink right before your eyes. You can then move right on to making one for your friends, as an auto-clean feature ensures the next margarita won't taste like a manhattan.
I took this investigative job seriously and sampled the cocktails that are my favorites in my lo-fi world: gin martini, negroni, boulevardier, margarita, manhattan, and mai tai, then moved on to other offerings including the sazerac, Long Island iced tea, whiskey sour, rum breeze, and more. (I did a lot of research for you, dear reader). These aren't the kind of high-end craft cocktails you'd get from an old-timey looking mixologist with an eyedropper and an arsenal of bitters; rather they're more akin to the mainstream hotel bar that's consistent, reliable, and comfortable – which was even better because I enjoyed them while lounging in my Elvis pj's, remote in hand. The quality is really quite good for at-home press-a-button.
As we inch our way back into small gatherings, I'll be excited to show off my Bartesian and offer friends a myriad of cocktails. Best part? I won't need to procure the ingredients. Heck, I won't even have to make them – It's such a hoot to watch the thing in action, people will want to make their own. And as Ashton and Mila told me on a Zoom call (well, told all of us during the product demo), they loved it as new parents who couldn't get out to the bar or lounge and still wanted to enjoy the occasional cocktail but were too tired to mix one. I guess The Jetsons Age has arrived after all!
To get a Bartesian ($350) of your own, click here.